Unbeloved

Unbeloved

My heart aches. My spirit is low with unworthiness. I’ve held it in for days. I’ve held it together so that not a soul sees how I truly feel. I’ve gotten good at wearing a mask. It’s like a costume party every day. Sometimes I grow tired of being someone else on the outside.

Why do the little things bother me so much? My rational side knows the silliness of it all, but my heart still aches with the feelings of low self-worth.

What will be the trigger today? Will I make it through without a single tear?

It was a good day. I even felt joy while I took a walk and the sun shined down on me. Almost out of the woods I see the thing that causes my anxiety today. I try shaking it off. I remind myself that it doesn’t matter.

That I am loved.

I hug my daughter and give her a tickle hoping that her giggle makes it all better. For a brief moment, I forget about the thing that made me feel this way.

The dishes are piled high. I make my way to the sink. As I scrape the pot with my fingernail in an attempt to remove the stubborn stuck-on food, the resistance is all it takes to remind me of the thing. The tears begin to well up and my inside begins to show outside. I don’t want to let it out because it makes no sense that something so simple can cause me such hurt. If I even say the words out loud, I may seem crazy. As the tears start to roll down my face, I blame it all on the pot and its stupid macaroni leftovers. I try very hard to keep them inside, but each one fights its way out despite my efforts.

Why do I question my value based on worldly circumstances?

The voice of truth echoes in my head with Psalm 139.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. – Psalm 139: 13-14

fearfully

There is a silent battle over what I will believe in this moment. I give into the lie and I let out a big, fat, ugly cry. I feel…

…UNBELOVED.

Sometimes letting it out and being honest with ourselves is the best way to heal. I have my moment. My mascara (which claims to be waterproof) runs and my feelings turn me into a raccoon. I breathe deeply and then there are short breaths like a 5 year-old after a tantrum.

Then, the tears are through and I have nothing left.

After all the messiness is over, I feel a new thing. It’s as though I have been crying on the shoulder of Jesus Himself. I feel mercy in my soul. I have chose to listen to the lie, diving right in, and yet the arms of Jesus are wrapping me up in mercy when I deserve justice.

The sunshine in the morning washes over me in a tidal wave of grace. It becomes impossible to feel anything but joy. 

Weeping may spend the night, but there is joy in the morning. – Psalm 30:5

Grace and mercy have stepped in to remind me that I am loved.

UNBELOVED NO MORE.

The name Amy means beloved. It makes sense that the enemy would try to steal that designation.

I prayed this over myself. I am going to need this prayer for days to come. If you ever struggle with feelings of low self-worth, I think you should pray this prayer too! 

Heavenly Father,

I ask forgiveness that I have given into the lies instead of declaring Your Truth. I renounce unbelief. Your word says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That I am not rejected, but accepted. That I am beloved. I am the apple of Your eye. I am of great worth and value. I break any agreements that I have made with the devil allowing the spirits of rejection, fear, insecurity, shame, and unforgiveness to manifest. I command all negative spirits to go in the name of Jesus. Help me to resist the enemy and his unloving thoughts.

I thank you for your mercy and grace. I thank you for taking my sin and shame with you to the cross. Heal and renew my mind, Lord. I am surrounded with favor and grace. I lack nothing because of You. I ask for You to supernaturally help me to overcome negative thoughts about myself and ask you to take authority over my mind, mouth, and actions. 

In Jesus name, 

Amen

If this is something that you need to pray to Jesus over yourself, I have made a PRINTABLE PRAYER that I would love for you to download, print out, and refer to when you’re feeling unworthy! Click here to download that!

Wallpaper

I also made this phone wallpaper so that I see this truth every time that I look at my phone. You can download this Phone Wallpaper here. Just save it to your pictures and make it your wallpaper in settings!

New Series: 21 Days of Affirmation

days of affirmation

 

I’m starting a new series today on something that I have always found difficult. If you’ve ever felt down on yourself or sought to really dig in and change negative thinking, you may have been told to say affirmations.

Affirmation, (noun)- emotional support or encouragement.

This is one of those things mentioned in Gary Chapman’s book The Heart of the 5 Love Languages. Words of affirmation is a biggie in that book. And he explains that some folks receive love better with sweet words. So your partner would benefit from knowing that so they can speak your looooooooove language.

But what about ourselves? How can we truly show that we love ourselves if we speak negativity about ourselves? I will be the first to say that I struggle with putting myself down on a regular basis. I have trouble actually believing positive words about myself, but ¬†straight from the Bible, these are the ultimate truths. This is precisely the reason that I wanted to do this series with you. It’s probably more for me than you! I would love for you to join me in challenging ourselves to speak these truths over us each day.

 

The challenge: each day that I post a new affirmation, say them to yourself OUT LOUD at least 5 times that day. This can be when you first wake up, when you’re driving down the road, when you’re laying down to sleep, when you’re feeling low, when you’re feeling great about yourself, or at anytime you please. Even if all 5 have to be said in the same minute! There is power in words.

Each time a new affirmation is posted, add that one to the list! And at the end of this little challenge, I pray that you begin to believe these truths about who are you are not only to yourself, but to Christ. I’ll be sharing some of my thoughts about each of the affirmations and I’d love for you to give me yours as well. Let’s get started!

I am accepted

To the praise of the glory of his grace, in which he has made us accepted in the beloved. -Ephesians 1:6

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! -Psalm 139:17

Even though we fall short of perfection (which is ok you know!), by His grace, we are completely accepted. It’s extremely hard for me to accept that I am accepted. If that makes any such sense at all. But the fact of the matter is that no matter what we have done and no matter what we will do, God will always have us.

His thoughts are always on us. They can’t even be numbered! It’s kinda like being in that beginning stage of love. You know, when you’re on the phone saying “no, YOU hang up”. God feels that way about us all the time.

When someone else says something bad about us behind our back.
When we wake up with nappy hair and stinky breath.
When our jeans fit too tightly.
When we were speeding the other day on I24. (this may or may not be a true story)
And even when we are hard on ourselves (which I am all the time), God still accepts us then.

How can we ever be worried about rejection with a love as amazing as that? I am going to ponder this very affirmation each day through this series.

Do you have trouble with feeling accepted by others? Do you find comfort in the fact that the only person’s acceptance that we need to worry about is God’s? Leave me a comment!